


Lower The Pissing Winch: Tales From The Countryside

by WhenIFindLoveAgain



Series: A Bag Of Bash For Passion [8]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: British Comedy, Car Accidents, Chaos, Comedy, Disasters, Fanfiction Comedy (MICF), Funny, Humor, M/M, Silly, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:29:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24088921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenIFindLoveAgain/pseuds/WhenIFindLoveAgain
Summary: Minghao and Soonyoung go out for a drive; Minghao accidentally crashed into a hedge, they get a lift home on the back of a tractor where they review the meaning of life. They then have to stay in a horrific hotel overnight where the only free room is one double-bed suite. The hotel owners take to them with a flaming baton because they think the reason they settled for the double-bed suite is because they are a gay couple, not a desperate - very desperate - couple of mates.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Series: A Bag Of Bash For Passion [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678627
Kudos: 2





	Lower The Pissing Winch: Tales From The Countryside

**Author's Note:**

> Mwynhau cariad :)  
> Leave kudos and comments, please!

"LOWER THE PISSING WINCH!"

Minghao and Soonyoung sat up straight in the bed of the spare room of the policeman's house. They looked out through the window to see...

  
"What the fuck is wrong with you lot?" Minghao said in reference to Korean people. 

  
"Not like this where I come from, mate." Soonyoung gawped at the sight of several children wandering about dressed as banana's, a bogged excavator, a big hole filled with muddy water and a flock of ducks, two worksafe union sightsmen, and one massive fucking crane...with a man dressed in high-visibility work-man's clothes dangling from the hooked end.\par  
But, as far as the two of them went, it all began yesterday - and a bloody horrible yesterday it had well being....

  
-  
  
"Nice day, right?" Soonyoung looked out of the passenger window of the dark-grey Honda civic suv that Minghao was driving along through the countryside. 

  
"No wonder everyone rushes out to the sea for the weekend. Get some fresh air. That's all I want to breathe in when I'm an old man." Minghao smiled a bit. "Salt air. Not car fumes."

  
"Maybe that's why old people always look so cross and tired. Car fumes have just shivreled them up." Soonyoung thought aloud. 

  
Minghao snorted a laugh. "See what you mean." He replied.

  
About twenty minutes later, clouds began to roll in over the sky. "No more suntan anymore." Soonyoung mumbled, waking up. Minghao - when wondering why it was so quiet - had glanced over to see Soonyoung having nodded off in the passenger seat to the sound of a random song playing on the car's radio. Minghao found himself putting on the windscreen wipers and then the heating when Soonyoung groped around in the back seat for his jacket.

  
"It's Spring, not Winter!" Soonyoung groaned. The rain fell heavier and harder to the point of it nearly been torrential. Both Minghao and Soonyoung swore as they dodged the "excitements of the countryside"; potholes and rough sections of the unfamiliar road, the hilly landscape, a speed limit that changed every five seconds, stops at the driveways of farms and stops at livestock-crossing signs, and then crawling along like a snail through centuries old hamlets and villages where there always at least one old biddy looking through her lace curtains and thinking you're a wanker for driving a Japanese car through the little village.

  
Both Minghao and Soonyoung had been complaining about the inbred little bastards when...it began to snow. In May! Minghao blamed the snow, or, collectively, the weather, he reported to Soonyoung, when he lodged the insurance claim. They hit at a section of very wet road, and the tyres lost all grip. They slid sideways for a few meters before crashing headlong through a hawthorn hedge into a field of grazing cattle. All of which - some fifty in the herd - came up for a look at what was going on.

  
It took three hours for a tow-truck, and Minghao nearly laughed himself to death when Soonyoung said he hoped someone up in the clouds wouldn't give him karma for having a wee in the farmer's hedge. 

  
They ended up getting a lift into the next nearest village on the back of a hay-baling tractor. There was no room inside the cabin for them, so they were left cuddled up in the wet and earthy-smelling hay at the back, an umbrella from Minghao's boot over the two of them as both wondered why the even bothered to leave Seoul.

  
"Have you ever considered the meaning of life?" Soonyoung asked Minghao.

  
"Not really, but I think now is a good time." Minghao replied.

  
They both paused.

  
"I'm thinking of stuff, but it hasn't really got much depth." Soonyoung admitted after a few moments. "Just how much better I'm going to look in a suit when I'm my Dad's age."

  
Minghao grinned. "I was just thinking about kids; my Dad reckons that he and Mum spent £3000 on nappies."

  
Soonyoung whistled. "That's what we should do?"

"Hm?"

  
"Start up a nappy business or something. Think about it, Hao. Constant profit."\par  
"Soonyoung." Minghao said. "We are on the back of a tractor in the middle of the countryside in the pouring rain. Shut the buck up."

  
Soonyoung sighed, but did shut up. Almost. "How is it that you're very skinny but you produce enough body warmth to kill all the central heating fuel cost in my house?" Soonyoung wondered aloud.\par  
The tractor driver told him where they could a room at the local pub. "Thank God he turned out alright, he looked like he'd be an arsehole." Minghao confessed quietly to Soonyoung as they went inside the pub. They hailed down a barmaid who was rushed off her feet and asked if they could stay for the night. "What do you reckon that was about?" Soonyoung quipped to Minghao. "I think - it seemed like she thought we were pretty good-looking and then she went all...weird on us."\par  
"That's because the only place left in the building is a double-bed room and we took it up." Minghao raised an eyebrow. "And look at us." He gestured to his leather jacket, mullet, lennon glasses, ripped skinny jeans, Doc Martens, and white t-shirt, then to Soonyoung's denim jacket, Bon Jovi t-shirt, jeans, and dirty converse sneakers. "For the villagers it's like the little antichrist has come to their world."

  
"Oh, what could go wrong?" Soonyoung enthused positively, leaning against the bar.

  
Many things, it became apparent. After setting up each other's side of the bed, they were nearly having their locked door kicked down by the pub's owner, who was roaring about faggots and said he'd smoke them out, and beneath their window is a "spiked fence to shove up your arse instead of your friend's cock!".

  
Both Soonyoung and Minghao lost the plot. Minghao howled through the door to the man about how he and Soonyoung were not a gay couple and what had happened to them on the stupid country roads earlier while Soonyoung rushed about, trying to figure out what to do. 

  
"Fuck, Hao, we've got bigger problems, bro!" Soonyoung yelped all of a sudden. In their room's window, down below...a lynch mob stood with flaming batons.

  
"What do you want us to do?" Minghao yelled at the pub's owner.

  
"GET OFF MY PROPERTY YOU FAGGOT CUNTS!"

  
"What a lovely man." Minghao murmured under his breath to Soonyoung as they were frog-marched out of the pub.

  
This led to another argument. When they were seen just standing on the village green, they were launched at again. "We don't have a car!" Minghao insisted. 

  
The Police arrived. Minghao and Soonyoung watched in wonder from the back of the police car as one of huge and strong and middle-aged policeman took to the pub-owner with a baton around the head.

  
"Sorry, lads." The policeman said as he got into the car. He talked of how he had recently come down from the city as he and his pregnant wife had moved down to the countryside for their expectant baby. Minghao and Soonyoung ended up in the spare room of the policeman's cottage.

  
"Wait until I tell Dad this." Soonyoung whispered to Minghao. "He won't believe it; a copper who isn't a pig."

  
-  
  
Minghao and Soonyoung went down to the kitchen to see a very short and a very pregnant woman in her early thirties cooking at least half a pig's worth of bacon for...one, two...nine young men in high-visibility work-man's clothes in her open-planned designed house, the dining room, sitting room and kitchen all one space with glass sliding doors with rolled-up wooden venetian blinds overlooking the...matter....in the back garden.

  
"Morning, boys!" The woman waved. She wasn't Korean. She was handsome with a wide, flat face, and hair so light blonde that it was a platinum white. It was soft and curly, scopped up in combs. She had on a loose fitting blue maternity dress and leather boots. "The old man told me what happened to you. Sorry, my loves. Sit down. Have a feed with the rest of the tribe."

  
All the other tradesman gave a whistle and a clap for the policeman's wife as she served up what really did seem to be half a pig with a mountain of brown rice, toast, and fruit. Minghao and Soonyoung asked her what was going on.

  
"I'm a primary school teacher, and those little ones in the bananas were supposed to be in the Shinto temple doing a play...until the roof caved in from the rain last night." She explained. "Basically, I'm baby-sitting them, but they wanted to go out and see the old man -" It took the boys a few goes to work out that's how she referred to her husband. "- abuse the sub-contractors. We're trying to build a second cottage out the back, and the sub-contractors have fucked it to within an inch of it's life."

  
Soonyoung nearly sprayed a cup of tea across the tea as he saw two waddling bananas slip in the mud and go for a ride down to the edge of the lake, followed by lots of other little bananas, who were promptly rescued by the policeman, barreling what looked like two bananas under each arm.

  
"Never again am I going out for a drive with you." Soonyoung informed Minghao as Soonyoung's Dad came to their rescue, and fished a couple of notes out of his wallet for the policeman and his foreign wife. They relaxed in the back seat of the car, and Minghao guessed that M. Kwon knew about the incident at the pub from how purple his face was...and the donuts he did in his Range Rover on the village green outside the pub...

  
And running over the flower-beds.

  
Plus the pub's letterbox.


End file.
